Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Tuesday Ten... I am {blank} Right Now...

I am ready for my life to begin.  I have spent so much time putting myself through school to still be working in a restaurant... so I am ready to find that person who is going to give me a chance to be the best lawyer there is out there!

I wonder whether there really is life on other planets... and by life I mean "people" like us.  I have always had a hard time believing that we are the only intelligent creatures out there.  I wonder if there are "people" just like us on some other planet, in some other solar system, wondering the same thing that I am about whether or not there are other people living out there somewhere.

I see things in black and white.  Sometimes to me everything is just black and white.  I need to start learning to see the grey and understanding that things are not always going to be perfect and that they sure aren't always going to go my way.

I want my grandparents to all be able to see me get married and to hopefully meet their great-grandchildren.  I have been blessed to have been able to know all 4 of my grandparents.  My grandfather on m mom's side died while I was in middle school, but the rest are alive and doing as well as they can be for their ages.  I was also blessed to have been able to meet 2 of my great-grandmothers.  That is something I want when I have children... for both me and my grandparents.  I would love for them to all be able to get to know each other like I had the opportunity to.

I pretend that I am really tough.  I am not as tough as I seem... though most of the time I can put on a good front.  The people who truly know me (i.e. my lover, MD) can usually tell when something is wrong, but lots of people can't.  I act like I am tough even though I may be crumbling inside

I worry that I will truly never, ever overcome that awful depression.  I know I have mentioned before that I was in a bad depression a while back and that sometimes it creeps back on me.  I would like to say that it can't creep back into my life, but it can.  I am working hard to overcome it, but I worry that I will never be able to 100% do so.

I cry when I am really worried and feel like life will never go my way.  I know that seems selfish, but the lack of being able to find a job a full year after becoming a barred attorney, feeling like I am never going to get married/have kids as I am now 27 (& according to my grandma over Thanksgiving "not getting any younger"), feeling like I am never going to be able to pay back all the debt I got myself into to put myself through law school, etc. I also cry when I am watching "touching" movies (i.e. Lifetime and Hallmark channel movies)... they can be super sad, super happy, etc... but I cry in movies ALL THE TIME!

I hope that when I am old and grey that I will be able to say that I have done all that I wanted to in my life.  This includes being married to my best friend, having children, being able to travel the world, having the money to donate to all the charities that are important to me, having some of the same best girlfriends as I do at this point in my life, etc.  I know that seems incredibly optimistic but I really do hope it comes true.

I dream of finding my prefect job and being able to finally get my adult life started. Since I still do not have a job in my chosen field I don't feel like my adult life has been able to start.  Sure I live on my own (well not really my own, but with my lover), I pay my own bills, drive my own car, etc. but I still don't feel like I have an adult life.  Maybe it is because I am still not married, maybe not.  Maybe it is because working as a waitress/bartender I feel like I am still in school, maybe not.  All I know is I feel like my life has not yet really begun.

I feel so many emotions all the time recently that I can't always adequately express myself. I have been an emotional basket case recently and I don't know why.  I can't always seem to put into words how I am feeling.  Although right now at this exact moment in time I feel really blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life who I can call my family and friends.




I am linking up with Miss Mommy's Tuesday Ten.

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