Wednesday, November 2, 2011

When it Rains, it Pours

... but then the sun comes out and feels so good.

I know I haven't blogged in a VERY long time, but in all honesty I felt like I didn't have much to say.  I felt like my posts were pretty inconsequential compared to the posts that I was reading from the blogs that I followed.  I didn't think that anyone wanted to hear MY story and about what was going on with ME.  Then I realized that it really doesn't matter if people want to hear what I have to say... I started this blog as an outlet for my own feelings and that is what I am going to use it for.

I feel compelled to start this again because as the title of this post suggests... when it rains, it pours.  I found out a couple of weeks ago that I did not pass the Pennsylvania Bar Exam.  It didn't really come as a shock since I had the flu when I took it, but it was devastating nonetheless.  I spent a good portion of the day sitting on the floor of my closet crying.  Why the floor of my closet I don't know, but that was where I wanted to sit and wallow in my own misery.

Not passing stirred up a whole lot of emotions for me and it brought me back to a place that I never thought I would go back to.  It brought me back to feeling like I did during my sophomore year of high school when I went through a pretty bad depression (& by pretty bad I mean really bad).  It is amazing how one seemingly insignificant even can bring you back to somewhere that you never, ever wanted to go again.

Besides being upset about not passing the bar exam I decided that it would also be a good time of basically accusing my bf of not loving me and not wanting to be with me anymore.  I know that it was ridiculous of me to do so, but at the time it just seemed to fit with all of the emotions I was going through.  I also had another freak out about money and how I think I'm never going to get a real job.  My poor bf received a few page e-mail (literally it was like 2 pages because after I sent it I copied it and pasted it in word to see what I had really sent him) explaining all that was going on with me and why I was just so inconsolable.  I really just didn't know what to do with my life.

What really helped to pull me out of my funk was first off that my AMAZING... and I mean AMAZING bf took the time to respond to EVERY SINGLE THING that I said in my e-mail.  I swear it put a HUGE smile on my face when I started to read his e-mail back to me that literally responded to everything that I had said.  I had thought that he would tell me that I was being ridiculous, but instead he seemed to understand what I was going through and showed me that he would be there for me no matter what.  I knew that I loved MD to death and that he was the guy for me... but this e-mail from him really truly showed me that he does care about me and that he loves me to death and that he would pretty much do anything for me.

It also helped that I had a few close friends who I told about what happened and they were all there for me to tell me that things were going to be okay.  My bestest friend, JG sent me 2 cards in the mail that made me smile like none other because 1) they were perfect for us and 2) they just made me realize that I really do have an entire support system out there and all I had to do was ask.

I was finally starting to feel better about myself and about everything that happened. But as if all of this wasn't enough I also managed to get into a fight with one of my friends and had to deal with a death.  Dealing with another death this year really put things into perspective for me.  This death was particularly hard because it was the former G.H. (president for all you non-Chi Omegas) of the Iota Lambda Chapter of Chi Omega at Villanova.  In case you don't know, I am one of the alum advisors for the Iota Lambdas, and this G.H. had just graduated last year.  She was hit by a car while she was back at Nova for homecoming, so it was a particularly tragic occasion.  The Iota Lambda girls seemed to handle it pretty well, because although I know they were devastated, they were all there to support each other and to show each other that being a Chi Omega is bigger than just their current chapter, that Chi Omega really is for a lifetime.

I know to those of you reading this blog, all of this may seem inconsequential... but for someone who has suffered from depression all of these seemingly inconsequential things really can help to bring you back to a place that you don't want to go to.  This is something that I struggle with all of the time, and sometimes it takes a lot to not go back to those dark days.  But what I do know is that even though bad stuff happens all the time, I have amazing friends, family and an incredible bf to help get me through it all.  So like I said... when it rains it pours, but then the sun comes out and feels so good.

Much love to all of my friends, family &  the bf for helping me through all of this!  Love you all more than words can express!

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