Thursday, April 11, 2013
"The Notebook"... why can't I just turn it off??
I feel as though every female on the face of the planet has seen the movie "The Notebook" but I feel like most of them are not drawn to it in the way that I am. This movie for me is like a bad train wreck... I see it coming, but I just can't stop myself. This is one of those movies that no matter how many times I have seen it, any time... and I mean ANY TIME... it is on TV I have to turn it on. Even though I know that turns it on means that I am in for two hours of almost non-stop tears. Yet I just can't stop myself. I have to put it on.
Some might say that this is a form of addiction. I'll admit it... I am an addict. I am addicted to watching "The Notebook" I also think I am a glutton for punishment because I KNOW that this movie is going to make me cry.. I KNOW that this movie is going to stir up all sorts of emotions in me... I KNOW that this movie is going to make me think about my family members... yet I just CAN'T TURN IT OFF.
Why do I do this to myself? I have no idea? Well maybe I do. Maybe I can't stop watching it because it makes me think of my Grandpa who we lost to Alzheimer's back in 1996. Maybe I can't stop watching it because it makes me think of my Grammy who is exhibiting the early stages of Alzheimer's. Maybe I can't stop watching it because my Gram is also exhibiting some of the early stages of Alzheimer's. Maybe I can't stop watching it because I know that Alzheimer's is a genetic disease and I know that there is potential that I may one day develop this heartbreaking disease.
While watching the movie today I told MD that maybe we should start keeping a journal so that he can read it to me one day to help me remember everything. He laughed. Only problem is, I was kind of being serious. I KNOW that Alzheimer's is a genetic disease and since it runs on both sides of my family I am definitely genetically predisposed to getting it. I worry that one day I won't remember MD and I am afraid of putting him through what so many members of my family have gone through when our loved ones don't remember who we are. I know what it feels like to have the grandparent you love so much not remember who you are and to have your little kid heart breaking because they don't remember you. I don't want to put anyone through that.
I hate that I have lived through losing one grandparent to this horrible disease and I hate the knowledge that I am slowly losing other grandparents to this disease. I worry that by the time MD and I get married they won't really know what is going on... as is there are days where they don't even remember that we are getting married.
I know I can't obsess over this and that there is no way of telling what the future will bring. So I guess I will just have to roll with it and hope for the best. Because hoping for the best is all anyone really can do.