When it Rains, it Pours

... but then the sun comes out and feels so good.

I know I haven't blogged in a VERY long time, but in all honesty I felt like I didn't have much to say.  I felt like my posts were pretty inconsequential compared to the posts that I was reading from the blogs that I followed.  I didn't think that anyone wanted to hear MY story and about what was going on with ME.  Then I realized that it really doesn't matter if people want to hear what I have to say... I started this blog as an outlet for my own feelings and that is what I am going to use it for.

I feel compelled to start this again because as the title of this post suggests... when it rains, it pours.  I found out a couple of weeks ago that I did not pass the Pennsylvania Bar Exam.  It didn't really come as a shock since I had the flu when I took it, but it was devastating nonetheless.  I spent a good portion of the day sitting on the floor of my closet crying.  Why the floor of my closet I don't know, but that was where I wanted to sit and wallow in my own misery.

Not passing stirred up a whole lot of emotions for me and it brought me back to a place that I never thought I would go back to.  It brought me back to feeling like I did during my sophomore year of high school when I went through a pretty bad depression (& by pretty bad I mean really bad).  It is amazing how one seemingly insignificant even can bring you back to somewhere that you never, ever wanted to go again.

Besides being upset about not passing the bar exam I decided that it would also be a good time of basically accusing my bf of not loving me and not wanting to be with me anymore.  I know that it was ridiculous of me to do so, but at the time it just seemed to fit with all of the emotions I was going through.  I also had another freak out about money and how I think I'm never going to get a real job.  My poor bf received a few page e-mail (literally it was like 2 pages because after I sent it I copied it and pasted it in word to see what I had really sent him) explaining all that was going on with me and why I was just so inconsolable.  I really just didn't know what to do with my life.

What really helped to pull me out of my funk was first off that my AMAZING... and I mean AMAZING bf took the time to respond to EVERY SINGLE THING that I said in my e-mail.  I swear it put a HUGE smile on my face when I started to read his e-mail back to me that literally responded to everything that I had said.  I had thought that he would tell me that I was being ridiculous, but instead he seemed to understand what I was going through and showed me that he would be there for me no matter what.  I knew that I loved MD to death and that he was the guy for me... but this e-mail from him really truly showed me that he does care about me and that he loves me to death and that he would pretty much do anything for me.

It also helped that I had a few close friends who I told about what happened and they were all there for me to tell me that things were going to be okay.  My bestest friend, JG sent me 2 cards in the mail that made me smile like none other because 1) they were perfect for us and 2) they just made me realize that I really do have an entire support system out there and all I had to do was ask.

I was finally starting to feel better about myself and about everything that happened. But as if all of this wasn't enough I also managed to get into a fight with one of my friends and had to deal with a death.  Dealing with another death this year really put things into perspective for me.  This death was particularly hard because it was the former G.H. (president for all you non-Chi Omegas) of the Iota Lambda Chapter of Chi Omega at Villanova.  In case you don't know, I am one of the alum advisors for the Iota Lambdas, and this G.H. had just graduated last year.  She was hit by a car while she was back at Nova for homecoming, so it was a particularly tragic occasion.  The Iota Lambda girls seemed to handle it pretty well, because although I know they were devastated, they were all there to support each other and to show each other that being a Chi Omega is bigger than just their current chapter, that Chi Omega really is for a lifetime.

I know to those of you reading this blog, all of this may seem inconsequential... but for someone who has suffered from depression all of these seemingly inconsequential things really can help to bring you back to a place that you don't want to go to.  This is something that I struggle with all of the time, and sometimes it takes a lot to not go back to those dark days.  But what I do know is that even though bad stuff happens all the time, I have amazing friends, family and an incredible bf to help get me through it all.  So like I said... when it rains it pours, but then the sun comes out and feels so good.

Much love to all of my friends, family &  the bf for helping me through all of this!  Love you all more than words can express!

Done... and Done.

Last week it was time for me to sit down and take my 3rd bar exam within a years time.  And when I say bar exam I mean the bar exam that will decide whether or not I can be an attorney in Pennsylvania, not a bar exam that involves passing some test to become a bartender (because yes, when I told someone the other night that I had taken the bar exam their immediate response was... "awesome! you're going to be a bartender now?").  The exam was tough... I almost want to say that it was as tough as Delaware's because this time I didn't have a course to go along with my studying, but it really wasn't THAT tough. I am however worried that I didn't do well because I know that on a couple of the questions I definitely used Delaware law because well that's what I know best.  The MBE (Multistate Bar Exam) was very contracts heavy this time around, which is NOT good for me because I never actually learned contracts while I was in school.  That's what happens when you have a professor from Ghana who is VERY hard to understand and has never really taught before. Don't get me wrong, this guy was a GENIUS... BUT he did NOT know how to communicate ANYTHING with his students.  So now begins the wait... until October... for results to come out.

Besides this bar exam... I am actually now studying to pass my bartender test.  I have been unable to find a job as a lawyer for the past year now... and although I have not given up hope at finding a job, I am beginning to get a bit discouraged.  I got offered a bartending position at the restaurant I work at, so I'm in training to become a bartender and hoping that it will net me a little bit more money than serving has so that I can start to get myself on my feet.  This week begins round 2 of sending out resumes to various firms, but I just can't seem to get my hopes up because well I feel like I'm just never going to get a job.  (Sorry for being such a Debbie Downer in this post, but I just have a lot of pent up feelings.)

I've also been feeling really insecure about my relationship with MD these past few weeks.  I mean I know the guy still loves me, but recently I've been questioning just how much.  I don't like having these doubts, but I think it is just because of all the other stressers in my life that I'm starting to question EVERYTHING nowadays.

Alright, well it is off to the gym and then to work on resume stuff for a bit before heading in for a fun-filled night at work.  To end this post on a happy note, check out Little Miss Momma's blog for a fabulous giveaway!  She is giving away a Tiffany heart ring here and it is super simple to be entered to win.  And you definitely want to check out her blog because it is AMAZING... I think Ashley's blog is one of the few that no matter what I make sure to read EVERY SINGLE DAY!  And I don't even know this woman... but from what I see, she is pretty fantastic!

Wordless Wednesday... Castillo de San Marco

So a while back I posted here about my trip to Florida for my G-big's wedding.  I talked about everything that we had done except for our trip to the Jacksonville Zoo (see this post for more on that) and the Castillo de San Marco.  The Castillo de San Marco is an old fort in St. Augustine... it is absolutely GORGEOUS.  I don't think words can do it justice... so maybe these pictures will help give you a feel for what it was like....

Here We Go Again

Remember last summer when I was going crazy studying for the bar exam?? Well I am at it again... it is less than 10 days to go before the exam, and now I'm starting to get a little bit nervous.  I've been doing well ALL summer not stressing, but it definitely seems like the time is here to begin to freak out.

This summer I am only taking the Pennsylvania Bar Exam... which let me tell you people is NOTHING like the Delaware exam that I suffered through last summer... no sir.  It has WAYYYY less information that is being tested on, yet I am still SUPER nervous about it.  Maybe it is because I still haven't found a job as a lawyer and I feel like if I am barred in both Pennsylvania AND New Jersey it is going to open up all these new doors for me.  Whatever the reason is... I am freaking out!

If you don't hear from me, or don't see much of me on here for the next few days... well now you know why.  I will be locking myself in the house studying... and if I'm not studying I'll be working like a crazy person to make sure I have enough money to last me though the 5 days that I will not be working while I am taking the bar exam and recouping from taking the exam.

Wordless Wednesday... The Jacksonville Zoo

A few posts back I said that I'd get around to updating you all with our trip to the Jacksonville Zoo.  What better day to do that than on a Wordless Wednesday.  MD and I had an amazing time at the Jacksonville Zoo... we saw tons of animals... my favorite of course being the giraffes!  Enjoy some photos of the animals we saw at the zoo :)

These are just a few of the pics... I think we took almost 200!  I left out all the pics of the bugs, snakes, etc. because well I just don't like them.  

Also, because I love you guys, here is a video of me getting to feed a giraffe... note the HUGE smile on my face when all is said and done... don't think there is much in the world that could make me happier than feeding a giraffe! :) 

Ok... well maybe there is one thing that might make me happier... and that would be a ring on my finger ;)

Happy 4th of July

Happy 4th of July all!! Many thanks go out to all of of those who have made this country what it is today.  Without those who have fought for our country we would not be the land of the free and the home of the brave.  So many thanks go out to all of our troops who have fought for our country and who continue to fight for us.  There are not enough words to express my gratitude.

I am going to keep this short and sweet because it's been a long weekend, but wanted to leave you with a song that makes me cry almost every time I hear it because well it just touches my heart.

Enjoy!

A special thanks goes out to my G-big (LS) who is in the Navy; EC and JKD who are friends of my g-big who are also in the Navy; DK (the fiance of one of my besties SS) who is in the Army; TL who is in the National Guard...I really can't thank you guys enough for all that you have done for our country.  Love you all <3

Mini Vaca to Jacksonville, FL for my G-big's Wedding

So in my last post I talked about my very first Indian wedding.  Well right after my very first Indian wedding I took my first plane ride to a wedding all the way down in Jacksonville, FL where my G-big (a.k.a. grand big, a.k.a. my big sister's big sister, a.k.a. a sorority thing, so if you don't get it, don't worry).  MD and I took an early flight out on Friday morning because well, we were GOING to make the most of this mini vacation to Florida.

We arrived in warm, sunny Florida with no problems, complications, etc.  We flew US Airways which when I was a kid I had nicknamed US Disaster because of all of the problems that we had previously had with them.  I must say that I was pleasantly surprised that things went as well as they did.  Upon our arrival in Jacksonville we met up with some of my favorite older sorority sisters... LW, AK, RG... for some breakfast at this cute little cafe by the hotel.  After a delicious breakfast we decided to head off to the beach!

Yes it was the end of March and yes I was at the beach... be jealous, be very jealous ;)

While at the beach we sorority sisters (plus one of the other bridesmaids) had a great time playing catch up and talking about all sorts of different things.  It was great to reminisce about the good old days at Bucknell and how much fun we had in Chi Omega.  During all of this MD was laying out in the sun (without sun screen might I add) and sleeping while ignoring us and all our girly "drama"

Soaking up the sun

Of course we all got FRIED at the beach... definitely had some interesting tan lines... I think I may have won the prize for worst tan lines ever as I had a nice little hand print on my leg.  That night in true Bucknell fashion we all met up at the bar for some drinking...and some fun before the wedding. It was AWESOME that there was a bar attached to the hotel... meant lots of drinking then stumbling back upstairs to our room.

Love of my Life and me at the bar

Chi Omega ladies at the bar

The vase was attached to the table, but the leaves weren't attached to the vase!

Saturday during the day was a bust because well my lovely boyfriend decided to be sick with sun poisoning so I missed going to see the Albino Alligator!  Although he kept me from seeing the Albino Gator, MD made up for it when we decided to go on a tour of the Budweiser Brewery in Jacksonville.  For those of you who don't already know, MD and I have been on a kick where we have been touring breweries, tasting various beers, etc.  He has been trying for YEARS to turn me into a beer drinker, and I think he might have finally succeeded. 

The horses aren't so scary when they aren't real ;)

Thought this was really cool with all their support for the armed forces

After the Budweiser brewery we went to play some mini golf and I kicked Mark's bootay!  I may not be able to beat him at many things, but mini golf definitely is one of those things.

The happy couple before I was kicking his butt at golf

Concentrating really hard on his game

After mini golf it was time to go back to the hotel to get ready for Liz and Jeff's fabulous wedding.  All I can say about the wedding was that it was GORGEOUS.  Liz looked amazing, the ceremony was perfect, and overall it really was just an amazing time. Rather than bore you with the details of everything, I am going to let the pictures speak for themselves...

Beautiful Setting for the Ceremony

The Groom and his Groomsmen "patiently" awaiting the bride

My "other" G-big

Here Comes the Bride

You May Kiss the Bride

Bucknellians at the Cocktail Hour

Love this Guy with ALL my Heart <3 

Love my Chi Omega Ladies

Pretty Centerpieces designed by LS

Definitely one of my top 2 most favorite wedding cakes I've ever had!

Fun with Party Hats at the Reception

More Fun with Party Hats

After an awesome time at the wedding on Saturday it was time to head home to Philly on Sunday.  BUT not before heading to the Pirate Museum, Castillo de San Marco, and the Jacksonville Zoo.  More on that later cause I am still exhausted from our recent move (more on that later too) plus working full time, plus studying for the bar exam....