I don't like to lie. I don't like people who lie. I think lies can cause a whole lot of drama, yet today, I told a lie. I was on the phone with my mom and she told me that I sounded depressed... I responded with "I'm just tired....that's all." She seemed to accept that as an answer though I'm probably sure she didn't 100% believe me because well she's my mom and she knows me better than most people... I mean come on, within 5 minutes of being on the phone with her she knew something was wrong.
I've spent a good part of the afternoon debating about calling her back and telling her that yes something is wrong and that yes I need her to talk to about things with. But something is holding me back. Not only do I have stressful things going on in my life down here, but there is a lot of stressful stuff happening back home in North Jersey. Let's just say that in both of my "homes" (North Jersey and with the bf) things seem to be falling apart and I'm just not sure how to put them back together.
What I really want (and I think need) is to find a way to get home to North Jersey this weekend. Though it's not looking good... my car is broken (and I don't have the money to fix it), the train is expensive (if I don't have the money to fix my car, I certainly don't have the money to take the train), the bf doesn't want to put the miles on his car (let's face it, we have been traveling a lot recently and have more travels to come), and buses, well they just scare me. So it looks like I'm going to be stuck here this weekend... missing Jersey and my family more than ever. Of course there is always the option of asking my parents to help me out with the train ticket and add it to the IOU I have going with them, but I really don't want it to come to that.
The more that I think about it, I realize I didn't just lie to my mother because I know she's stressed out, I also lied to her because I am homesick and I know that if she knows I'm homesick she'll launch into her trying to convince me to move back home thing again. Don't get me wrong, I'd love, Love, LOVE to move back to North Jersey, but my life isn't really up there anymore. Sure my family is there, but most of my life is now between the Philly and Wilmington areas... some of my best friends live between the two cities, my jobs, my bf, etc.... all in the Philly/Wilmington area, so there is no real reason to move back to North Jersey. Though I must admit, the idea right now is very tempting.
Maybe once I find a job and have less time to sit around thinking about things I'll start enjoying life down here more again. But right now all I really feel is homesick.....
Down here, dreaming about pizza, bagels, and everything else that is the essence of North Jersey... man I need to get home soon.