Life Lately

Recently I have been struggling.  Sure when I blog it may seem like my life is all sunshine and roses, but I assure you, that is NOT the case.  Recently I have been struggling.  Sure you may think my life is all flowers and sunshine (especially if you follow my Instagram) because I post pictures like these of my gorgeous flowers I just planted:

or of the fabulous beer can chicken the hubby and I made for dinner on Saturday night...

or my yummy alcoholic beverages....

But in reality, life has been tough recently.  Tough because I went on a job interview and the one woman I interviewed with told me that had my resume come across her desk without my husband's recommendation she would have thrown it in the trash without a second thought.  She told me I was too overqualified for the job in which I was applying and that basically because of my education no employer would ever consider me for an entry level job.  She told me I needed to find a way to "dumb down" my resume or I will never get anywhere in the corporate world.  Talk about a blow to one's self-esteem... the one thing I am most proud of, my education, is what could potentially be holding me back from getting a job... how is that even possible?!

Don't worry though friends, even though this got me down, it doesn't mean that I am down for the count.  After hearing this I decided to take matters into my own hands and made an appointment to discuss my resume with someone from Bucknell.  I am happy to report that after an hour long phone conversation today I have a completely revamped resume and a new plan for how I am going to go about looking for a job.  To say that Bucknell's Career Development Center has been amazing would be an understatement.  They have been WAYYYY more helpful to me than my law school has and I am so grateful that I went to such an amazing undergraduate institution that cares so much about not only its students, but also its alumnae!  After today I am confident that I will find a job and I will get myself started down a career path that will carry me on through the rest of my life.

Besides the whole job thing, I have also been struggling a bit with my personal life.  About a month ago I got the text that one of my ex-bffs had her first child.  As happy as I was to see that she had a beautiful, happy, healthy baby, the text also made me incredibly sad and in fact made me cry.  You see, since our huge falling out this is only the second major life event that I have not been able to share with her.  We had been friends since right before our freshman year of high school... we were there for each other through graduations, breakups, engagements, her wedding, etc.  I had always thought that she would be one of my life long friends and that we would end up having kids who would be best friends (even though we live a million miles apart).  I would have dropped pretty much anything to be there for this girl and it just hurt so much to realize that it isn't the case anymore.  I found out she was pregnant through another mutual friend, found out she had the baby though a mutual friend, etc.  Sure it is great that our mutual friends let me know what is going on in her life because no matter what she thinks I will always care about her, but it doesn't make it any easier.

I have thought about reaching out to her to say congrats, but I don't want her to take it the wrong way and to think that I am doing this just to ruin this special time in her life.  Because that really is the last thing that I want to do.  Having a child, especially your first, is supposed to be a joyous occasion and I do NOT want to ruin that for her, but I do want her to know that I am happy for her and that I truly only wish her and her little family the best.  So I am torn about what to do... do I send her a quick text message or e-mail saying congrats, or do I just leave well enough alone?  Who knows, she might think that her life is better off without me, although I am not sure that mine is better off without her because I do still miss her friendship.  I still remember all the good times that we had together and it is pretty much impossible to erase her from my life. 

I recently stumbled upon this Facebook status I had made a year or so ago (thank you TimeHop App for my phone) and it really makes me think about this friendship gone bad.  Was she meant to be in my entire life, or was she just meant to make an appearance?  Seeing as we had been friends since about 1999 it makes me feel as though she was supposed to be in my entire life, but who knows, maybe 14 years is all our friendship was meant to last.  Whatever the case may be, it still hurts and I still don't know what to do.  Do I reach out to her and hope for the best? Or do I just leave well enough alone?

What has been going on in your life lately?  Have you ever had a situation where a friendship went sour and you didn't know if/how to fix it? 

*You're Gonna Hear Me Roar*

That's right... today's inspiration for a post comes from my life and hearing a Katy Perry song on my Pandora station on my way home from Zumba last night (I may or may not have been listening to the Katy Perry Station, but that is besides the point).

Recently I have been feeling really down and out about life.  Sure married life is FANTASTIC and I am so thankful every day that M and I are finally married.  But the rest of life has really been getting me down.  I have been so frustrated with not being able to find a career oriented job that I was starting to feel like I was just not good enough.  I felt like I wasted all my time in school and like the best I was going to amount to was a bartender.  Now don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with being a bartender.  For some people it is an amazing career, and let's face it, the money isn't bad either.

As much as the money bartending isn't always terrible, it is not something that I want to make a career of.  Sure I am good at it... I have plenty of regulars and I get the good shifts... but it still isn't something that I want to do forever.  I have been applying for jobs like CRAZY for MONTHS now and more often than not I get a response that sounds something like this, "While your qualifications are impressive we have decided to go with a candidate that better suits our needs.  We wish you all the best on your job search."  Sometimes they also include these little gems, "We encourage you to keep checking back and to apply for other positions with us in the future."  So basically I wasn't good enough for the one job, but they want me to keep applying to them.. for what? So they can send me more rejection letters... I think not.

Anyways, I digress.  So early last month I had an interview at a law firm.  And not just any law firm, but a fairly prestigious law firm.  I was so excited and I felt like the interview went FANTASTIC.  Then began the waiting game to see if they were going to call me back.  Well once a month went by I had pretty much given up on the idea of them calling me back and was convinced that the interview did not go as well as I had originally thought.  Fast forward to yesterday... I picked up a shift at work because well with all the terrible weather we have been having business has been BAD and I mean really bad.  We were closed a few days because of the snow, closed early a few times because of the snow, and of course had barely any customers again because of the snow.  I figured I should pick up all the shifts possible to attempt to make up some of my lost income.  But while I was at work I got a phone call from a number I kind of recognized but couldn't figure out why.  Obviously I couldn't answer because I was at work, but the person left a voice mail.  Intrigued I decided that I would go into the liquor closet and listen to it because well I just wanted to know who it was.

Imagine my surprise when it was someone from the law firm I had interviewed at calling to ask me to come in for a second interview!  I nearly screamed in the closet I was so happy.  Now I know that having a second interview in NO MEANS guarantees me a job... but just when I had given up hope on everything this opportunity has come my way.  It made me realize that I can't give up because once I give up I will be stuck bartending for the rest of my life... and I don't want that.

So why does Katy Perry's song "Roar" apply to this?  Well it applies because I am no longer going to lie down and do nothing about my situation.  I am going to keep fighting to get a new job and to get out of the restaurant industry once and for all.  I am going to have confidence in myself.  I am going to work to improve my self-confidence every day.  I am going to make the most out of what I have going for me now and I am going to continue to strive to make myself a better person.  I am NOT giving up.  You ARE going to hear me roar!

*ROAR*

As always, today I am thankful for the opportunity to go on a 2nd interview with this law firm.  This opportunity has reminded me of my self-worth and has reminded me not to let myself get down because I am not where I thought I would be at this stage in my life.  I am thankful for the motivation it has given me to be a better me and to work towards my goals.  I am not going to be frustrated anymore... I am going to strive to be the best that I can be and to find a job that gets me where I need to go.

If Only Finding a Job Was as Easy as Finding Volunteer Positions

Still nothing on the job front.  I've looked and looked and looked, but without a bar admission and without some experience I am pretty much undesirable as a potential employee.  This bugs me.  People who had the grades got hired before we even graduated.  I know that they had the grades which means they are smart, but what about practical experience, doesn't that count for something?  Those with the top grades weren't the ones who have already been in front of a judge multiple times for hearings, they weren't the ones who represented real life clients, and they weren't the ones who have written motions, drafted pleadings, filed petitions, etc.  They were the ones who wrote memos and did the more academic research.  Now I've done all of those things and I still don't have a job.  Yes I am volunteering for the AG's office which is awesome experience, but it's not a paying job.  And I NEED a paying job because loans will come due and I need a new car desperately.  The AG's office job may materialize into something, but only if I pass the bar.  If I don't pass the bar then I've got BIG problems.  So everyone, keep your fingers crossed that I pass the first time around.

In other news, I am now the Philadelphia Chi Omega Chapter's Panhel Rep for the PA Alumni Pahnhellenic.  I'm pretty excited that I was given this opportunity because not only is it an AWESOME way to get re-involved in Chi Omega, but hopefully it will provide me with some valuable networking so that I can actually get a job in this area and not have to consider moving back home to my parent's.  I always wanted to be the Panhel rep when I was at Bucknell, but never had the opportunity because I went abroad, so I'm super excited that I am going to get to do this now!

I also submitted my volunteer application to the Make-a-Wish Foundation, so hopefully I hear back from them soon and can continue to get involved in all these wonderful organizations.  If I don't have a job, at least I'm doing my part to help out by volunteering!

Central PA Fun

This weekend was Mark's Family Reunion out in central PA.  Every year the Benson side of his family gets together at the family cabin for some food, fun, and an amusing auction.  Everyone cooks something for a pot luck type lunch... this year Mark made a delicious pumpkin pie (I didn't eat any there, but had some today that was delicious, so I can only assume yesterday's was just as good).  After lunch I learned how to play this washers game... it's kind of a combination of horseshoes and that game with the beanbags that we play when tailgating for the Phillies (yes, I know real descriptive, but I don't know how else to explain it).  Needless to say, it was NOT my game, I don't think I got one washer in the hole, thus explaining why Mark and I lost terribly.  After getting our butts kicked I felt it was best to sit out and observe and man, is his family interesting.  There was a lot going on and all I can really say is wow.

Besides spending time at the family reunion we also went to the races... again.  I was really bored on Friday night... time trials and small heats are not exciting enough for me.  I actually found myself dozing off at one point... whoops! The most amusing part of the night was Terry (Mark's mom's bf) throwing peanuts at me and me throwing them right back at him.  He is definitely a kid at heart!  On Saturday night the races were a lot more fun, I didn't even mind the time trials too much.  We placed quarter bets on all of the heats and I actually won one of the heats because I bet on the only girl racing and she kicked some butt!  She later was pretty bad in the feature race, but apparently that's only because she just started racing in the 410s (look at me acting like I know something about racing ;))  I also had a good time cheering for the 0 car because he's a Jersey Boy and you know that no matter where I live I'll always be true to my Jersey roots!  Overall it wasn't a bad night... though it can never be a bad night when you're in good company, which I sure was.

Now it's back home and back to the grind.  I'm thinking that tomorrow maybe I'll start cleaning the house... I'm finding it really hard to occupy my time now that I don't have the bar exam to study for, so I think we're really going to get a clean house out of this.  Also going to start getting into the job hunt again, because although I have a prospect (more on that in another entry) I want to make sure that I have something solid before I have to start repaying my loans.  I can't keep living off of Mark forever... though I am eternally grateful for all of his support this summer both emotionally, mentally, and financially.  I'm not sure I would have made it through the summer with any sort of sanity left had it not been for him.

I guess that's all for now... lots of rambling on tonight... I swear I'll get better at this as time goes on...