Wednesday, July 9, 2014

If You Were My First Love

I normally listen to country music (I know, strange for a girl coming from the suburbs of NYC), but decided that as long as I am still bartending I should probably know what is going on the the wonderful world of music.  People are always talking about new songs, new artists, etc. and usually I have NO idea who they are talking about unless it is someone like Luke Bryan (mmmmm), Florida Georgia Line, Blake Shelton, Keith Urban, Miranda Lambert, etc.  So today while listening to the "Today's Hits" station on Pandora the song "First Love" by Jennifer Lopez came on, and the song really got me thinking.

The chorus of the song says, "I wish you were my first love. 'Cause if you were first. Baby there would have been no second, third or fourth love." This is the part of the song that got me really thinking.

It is no secret that I love M... I pretty much profess my love for him on here constantly and let's be real, if I didn't love the guy I never would have married him.  BUT that being said... if M had been my first love I am not sure that I would be where I am today because in dating and "loving" a few different guys I was 200% sure that M was the guy for me when I did finally meet him and date him and fall in love with him.

But that got me thinking about my other "loves" and what I learned from each one of them.  Sometimes I even wonder if what I actually felt for these various boyfriends was actually love, but deep down I know that I loved them all each in their own way (although some of them made a bigger impact on my life than other boyfriends did).  I just hadn't found my one "true love"

My first "love" if you could call him that was a guy that I am ashamed to say that I met on the internet, in a chatroom, while I was in highschool, and he was like 5 years older than me. It was my senior year, I was feeling insecure about myself, nervous about going off to college without ever having had a boyfriend or even a first kiss for that matter and this guy, we'll call him "A" made me feel special.  I never really told anyone about him because well I knew no one would approve.  We mostly met out at various places... the mall, restaurants, places like that... and we were never together for long periods of time.  We e-mailed a lot... talked on the phone a bunch... and texted even more.  I don't know that we ever actually broke up... although I basically just stopped talking to him, so I guess he eventually got the hint.  As insecure as I was, he was just as insecure as he would call/text me obscene amounts when he knew I was cheering at a game/competition or knew I was at practice or knew I was with some of my other friends because I couldn't let me parents know I had a guy, so I did every so often actually have to hang out with my friends so my parents wouldn't get too suspicious (sorry Mom & Dad if you are reading this... I promise this was the only time I didn't share a boyfriend with you... and you should know that cause I definitely shared some with you that you did NOT approve of).  I thought I loved "A" and I know I even told him I loved him, but looking back I think I more of loved the idea of him and loved how he made me feel.  A small minute part of me will always love him because he taught me how to love myself (something I have always struggled with my entire life) and showed me that there was someone out there for me.

One of my other loves, we'll call him "B" was a guy that I had known for a good portion of my life.  We had grown up together and decided to give dating a try when we were in college .  Our relationship was rocky at times... we started dating, broke up and then got back together like a few weeks later and then dated for a substantial period of time.  I loved this guy more than any other guy I dated besides M.  B was my best friend... he had been with me through so many things in my life and he knew me better than anyone else.  I am 100% sure that I was in love with him and when we were together I was convinced that we would be together for life.  People warned me that we shouldn't date because dating your best friend is always risky.  But I didn't listen.  I loved him as a friend before we started dating so I was convinced that our love could endure anything.  Unfortunately our love didn't last and neither did our friendship.  I will admit that I went kind of crazy after we broke up... a breakup hurts just so much more when you not only feel like you are losing your boyfriend but like you are losing a friend that you have had for a good portion of your life.  A small part of me will always love B and always wants the best for him.  Losing him definitely put a hole in my heart and although M has filled my heart with so much love that it could burst, there is definitely a little piece that still misses B as my friend... not as a love, but just as my very best friend.

After B, I was in a bad place.  I got really sick (had a bleeding stomach ulcer... not from the breakup... but I am pretty sure it was a contributing factor) and was just really down.  Joining a sorority and having so many fabulous sisters helped matters... there was never a dull moment when I was with my Chi Omega sisters.  Eventually I fell in love for a third time with, well we'll call him "C".  C was everything I needed at the time, but he was oh so wrong for me.  He was a nice, strong guy... or so I thought.  I don't even want to go in to all the details of my relationship with him on here because well we'll leave it at that he was in fact NOT a nice guy and I'm not sure if I was really in love with him or scared of him.  Loving and being with C made me realize that there was definitely somewhere better for me out there... in fact he was my last boyfriend before I finally started dating M.

Having dated a bunch of other guys and having been in "love" a few times when I met M there was no question in my mind that he was the one for me.  The way I felt around him was nothing like the way I had ever felt around any guy ever before.  With M I knew I was safe.  With M I knew that in his eyes I was the most beautiful girl in the world.  With M I felt like I could take on the world.  I was always able to be myself with M and I never had to pretend to be something I was not... he loved me... flaws and all.  Even when I was freaking out because we had been dating for almost 6 years and he still hadn't proposed to me, I knew I still loved M and I knew that he loved me... I never doubted our love for each other for even a second.  I told people I had set deadlines for him proposing and that I was going to leave him if he hadn't... we all know I never would have done that because I don't think my heart would have ever healed (Thankfully he proposed before my deadline, so I didn't ever have to worry about that).  Having loved others before falling in love with M allowed me to love him with my whole heart and to know what true love feels like.  Had M been my first love, I honestly don't know if we would be where we are today.

Since my post started with a song, it is only fitting that I end it with a song that really describes what it took for me to discover my one true love and to begin what has so far been the best days of my life being married to him!

As corny as this sounds, listening to this song always brings tears to my eyes because I know it was a broken and rocky road that led me to M, but I thank God every day that He led me to M because I truly can't imagine my life without him. I love you honey!!

Do you think your life would have been different if your first love was your only love?


  1. Oh girl...I love any post devoted to Love and relationships. Take it from some one who's dated 7 other guys before meeting my Love. Well.....I think this. I think God put those before the ones we are with now. To prove to us that that isn't what love is. Not true love. It's what we thought was love but it wasn't. We are experiencing love now and it only gets better from here. I love Rascal Flatts esp that song and I Melt.

    Fancy by Iggy is a good song. :D

  2. I always find myself thinking about things like that too, esp back to the two other guys that I dated and they do say you have to kiss a few frogs to get to the guy. I'm not sure if I'd be happy if I had stayed with either of the two before K now, but who knows. I do know their lives have traveled roads that aren't the greatest. Everything happens for a reason!

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